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[15 Nov 2005|04:19pm] |
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mood |
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 pessimistic |
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I can't decide what about it here is making me want to transfer
Is it my dorm? my classes? the people? how lonely I am? how fake everything seems? the fact that I feel there's nothing here to discover? the size? my professors? my "friends"? the fact that i miss home?
Some of those reasons would be legitimate reasons to leave and start anew somewhere else.
But the others, might just mean I need more time to adjust.
I'm confused, sad, and feel displaced.
College is supposed to be "the best time of your life". I can't even fathom that statement right now.
6 days til Thanksgiving break.
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| VERY EMOTIONAL |
[20 Oct 2005|12:23am] |
I'M STILL THE SAME YOU KNOW DUMB ROCK HARD AND GOOD TO GO
NO I DON'T WANT TO MEET YOUR FRIEND AND I DON'T WANT TO START OVER AGAIN
I JUST WANT MY LIFE TO BE THE SAME JUST LIKE IT USED TO BE
DO NOT ASK FOR ANSWERS BABY THAT YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR
THERE AIN'T NO PLACE I'D RATHER BE
I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE DAY WHEN I CAN HEAR YOU SAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WHORE
SOMEONE BUY ME A NEW LIFE
I HATE IT HERE
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| Wheaton and I are starting off on the wrong foot |
[09 Jul 2005|12:17pm] |
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mood |
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 nervous |
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So I have to read 2 books for college... ok not so bad. I have the whole summer to do it. Well how about getting a letter YESTERDAY telling you that not only does it all have to be done in 20 DAYS - yes, by July 29 - but you also have to endure the pressure of writing your first ever graded college essay by that date as well. 3 pages. Double-spaced. On the meaning of identity in society with evidence from both books? Oh, sure. No problem.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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[09 Jul 2005|12:06am] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
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Who rejects someone for a job in a letter, never calls them after an interview, doesn't do a background check, and doesn't return their phone call? I'm sorry I think this was handled very immaturely.
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[06 Jul 2005|05:58pm] |
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mood |
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 okay |
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One load of laundry. That is all that I wanted you to do in order to repay the time and 1/4 tank of gas that I used driving you around today. Alas, having spent the first 7 hours of the day on the computer, you "forgot". Oh what it must be like to be 16 with no job and no responsibilities. Those were the good old days. I'm getting old.
Signed up at the gym today and it may have been the best $73.14 dollars I ever spent. Danielle taught me how to use a treadmill finally and we saw Greg, Margaret, Josh Borden, Ricca, Vanessa Goad and Mr. Cintron there lol...it was nice to walk in and see a bunch of smiling Branfordian faces. The scale in the locker room said I gained 3 lbs! and they sell a lot of weight gainer shakes there. I'm excited to get back in shape...the only thing that would make me happier would be reaching my goal weight by the end of the summer...let's see.
I want to go to the beach. I wish it'd get sunnier. Why do I have a cold? Why can't I log on to my Wheaton e-mail? If Macintosh does not give me a new iPod a life may need to be taken.
Latuh.
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| Well well well |
[06 Jul 2005|01:37am] |
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Live journal revival! I don't really know how to start this right now because I've spent the past hour trying to make my user picture 100 x 100 pixels because apparently that's really important. I'll ponder whether this was a waste of time or not while I fall asleep, goodnight!
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[12 May 2005|03:43pm] |
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mood |
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 dreading lax |
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Getting things off your chest is probably one of the greatest ways to release stress. Jeff and I talked the other day and I feel great. For the first time, big things are happening with us but I feel the desire to keep it confidential. I don't need a witness to remind me of what I need to do or how we feel about eachother or about what has happened in the past. I feel like we can really stand on our own 4? feet now :) and work together. I think we were both surprised by eachother but I'm glad for it. He means so much to me and we can't continue to jeopardize what we have. I trust him and he trust me and I'm so excited. I feel like everyday is a new start.
I'm so excited for prom! I love my dress, I can't wait to get ready and dance, and I am so excited that I'm going with my incredible boyfriend.
Minus lacrosse, life is good.
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[05 May 2005|11:53am] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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I don't know how I feel about all the totally radically awesome girls from the classy preps livejournal community hitting on my boyfriend via livejournal comments.
After rereading the above, I realize there is absolutely nothing to worry about lol.
Nevermind.
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[05 Apr 2005|09:51pm] |
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mood |
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 nerdy |
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I don't want to be a loser about things anymore. lol what an intelligent sentence that was. but no i really don't. Lax went really well today because I just sucked it up and didn't care what anyone thought and just did what I could, and I'm really proud of myself. I want to make this season a good one, it is my last afterall.
I wish Jeff came over tonight. I miss him and I can't help being a little bit hurt about the fact that he forgot. And that it's 10:00 pm and I know he's home but hasn't called me.
I have been working on my XXX like a mofo and I have to go do more now...My life will be so much easier after Thursday.
Or maybe not.
We'll see.
Either way, it's ok.
I have a good attitude right now.
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[31 Mar 2005|08:22pm] |
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mood |
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 energetic |
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I am going to Wheaton
and no one can stop me.
Not you, or you, or you,
or you and your safety schools.
I AM AWESOME.
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| Night |
[25 Mar 2005|07:37pm] |
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mood |
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brutally honest |
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The greatest pain and values are farthest from being appreciated. We easily come to doubt if they exist. We soon forget them. They are the highest reality. -HDT
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[22 Mar 2005|02:53pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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I miss my best friend.
I wish I wasn't so selfish and stupid.
I don't deserve a phone call.
I think I'm getting a relapse of mono.
I can't go to practice.
My portfolio is due tomorrow.
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[21 Mar 2005|02:57pm] |
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mood |
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gloomy |
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| [ |
music |
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Expo '86 by dcfc |
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Sometimes I think this cycle never ends
We slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
And it seems by the time that I have figured what it's worth
The squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse
But if I move my place in line I'll lose
And I have waited the anticipation's got me glued
I am waiting for something to go wrong
I am waiting for familiar resolve
Sometimes it seems that I don't have the skills to recollect
The twists and turns of plot that turned us from lovers to friends
I am thinking I should take that volume back up off the shelf
And crack its weary spine and read to help remind myself
But if I move, my place in line, I'll lose
And I have waited the anticipation's got me glued
I am waiting for something to go wrong
I am waiting for familiar resolve
I am waiting for another repeat,
Another diet fed by crippling defeat
And I am waiting for that sense of relief
I am waiting for you to flee the scene
As if you held in your hand the smoking gun
And on the floor laid the one you said you loved...
And what's strange is they're all basically the same
So I don't ask names anymore
Sometimes I think this cycle never ends
We slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
And it seems by the time that I have figured what its worth
The squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse
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| Change the weather still together when it ends |
[11 Mar 2005|11:21pm] |
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mood |
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 good night |
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I hate how phrases/life philosophies are so commonly used that they become cliche. Lately I've found that "Treat others the way you want to be treated" and "All good things come to those who wait" have applied perfectly to situations. When I go to use them I feel uncertain of their validity just because they are so excessively used. I need something new that say the same things...any ideas? Something that will stick in my head...something pleasing to the eye and tongue..
Self-help requires wit.
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| Experiment |
[08 Mar 2005|09:45pm] |
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mood |
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feeling good |
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Since I've been home I thought I'd try the whole not getting-offended-by-stupid-stuff-and-sit-in-silence-on-the-phone-until-the-other-person-asks-what's-wrong thing. This is the first day in a really long time I haven't done it. Since I was in 8th grade, I've always been on the phone a lot everyday, it's just part of who I am, but lately I've been on it A LOT. I really think that although I can keep a conversation for virtually the entire period of time whether it be 15 minutes or 4 hours, I have developed some really annoying habits and my people skills have gone downhill. First off, I'm overly tired at school because I am not getting enough sleep, but also, I have become accustomed to forcing everyday conversations to go the way I want them to. My newly acquired habit of giving the silent treatment, getting offended by the littlest things, and constantly having the opportunity to express my insecurities is getting to be tired and it's changing me for the worse..
Today I wanted to do something different. Instead of announcing "Ok I'm just not going to tell you what's bothering me anymore" with the expected response of "No that's stupid you should express yourself", I did it on my own. It took a minute for me to get over every petty little think that irked me but afterwards I could put the phone down and be like "Now wasn't that a more pleasant conversation than it would have been if I had opened my mouth?" I found that the things that I was going to complain about had little to do with the person who said them and more to do with my own insecurities, which should not be anyone else's responsibility but my own.
*sigh of relief* I can change things in my life. They really do have to be self-initiated though, Buddha is right. I hope I can keep this up.
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[06 Mar 2005|12:17pm] |
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mood |
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 infuriated |
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FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS I WANT TO GO TO WHEATON I WANT TO GO NEXT YEAR NOT SOPHOMORE YEAR NOT JUNIOR YEAR NOT THE DAY AFTER THE SCHOOL YEAR STARTS I WANT TO BE THERE ON THE FIRST DAY OF CLASSES AND FOR ORIENTATION AND THAT IS ALL I FUCKING WANT.
THIS IS NOT FAIR.
I WORKED HARD TO GET THE GRADES I VISITED EVERY SINGLE DAY I COULD I INTERVIEWED TWICE I BECAME FRIENDS WITH MATT STRECKEL I WENT TO THEIR CULTURAL CLUB THING I STAYED OVER NIGHT I CONTACTED THE COACH I EMAILED DIFFERENT CLUBS I TALKED TO THEM AT THE COLLEGE FAIR AND WHEN THEY CAME TO SCHOOL I SAT IN ON CLASSES I FILLED OUT THE APPLICATION I WAITED FOR 1 EXCRUCIATING MONTH TO FIND OUT WHERE I GOT THE BEST GRADES IVE EVER GOTTEN SINCE IVE BEEN IN SCHOOL I CHECKED MY APP STATUS EVERY DAY AND NIGHT TO MAKE SURE THEY GOT ALL OF THE STUFF AND THEN
I GOT IN
AND NOW
I CAN'T GO
BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD IT.
"THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY."
WELL THAT'S JUST GREAT I'LL GO TO EASTERN AND LIVE AT HOME LIKE YOU WANT ME TO
GOOD GREAT GRAND WONDERFUL
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
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| It's simple |
[28 Feb 2005|04:20pm] |
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mood |
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better |
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How lucky you are if you have people in your life that love you and whom you love in return.
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oompaloma41's journal
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